And that I really love the "SEN10R" thing- I think it's really cute!

I just hope that my year is as awesome as that 

Admittedly, there have been ups and downs, but I really just need to get a hold of myself and not let the bad things weigh me down...I'm trying.

---

There's nothing like a chocolate chip cookie to help my persepctive on life. Especially a crispy one that is bigger than my hand. (And my hands are pretty darn big!)

Chocolate really does make me feel better. I know I should realy cut back, but I just feel like I need it sometimes. Besides, my dad got it for me.

Oh wait...I forgot this is just his plan. He feeds me, so that he is still the skinny one in the family.

You may say I'm crazy, but I know it's true.

He wants me to stay fat.

---

But it really was a good cookie.

I love cookies. especially the crispy part around it. I don't really like goey cookies. They make my throat sticky and I can't talk or sing after an especially soft one.

Crispy ones, on the other hand...

Yum.

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Gee, I like knitting. It's so much better than pulling my hair out. But the tugging of the strings mimics the snatching of my hair, so it's quite comforting.

I'm making a sunglass case. It's brown with a mix of other neutral colors. Like grays and dark greens. But it's mostly brown.

I'm president of the knitting club at school. I want to make blankets for some of the different classrooms, especially ones in the library. It's always really cold there.

---

I'm also president of book club. Even though I've never been in book club before.

There's this freshamn boy who keeps telling me what do to. I'm this close to punching him.

---

There's another one I want to punch too. He's in my section in band.

He thinks he's God's gift to earth. More like a bad prank in my opinion, but whatever.

He thinks he knows everything.

I am our section's leader during marching season. I know what to do.

I don't need some little brat trying to give me orders.

---

Oh well...maybe it will be better later.

I haven't updated in awhile. I've just been kind of sad lately. School's out, and so I have less of an excuse now.

I haven't been to MediThin in over a month. Almost two. My mom keeps nagging me, but I don't want them seeing how much weight I've gained. I guess that sort of defeats the purpose of it, though. You're supposed to go to lose that weight, not avoid them and gain more.

And I haven't weighed myself either. I did at the begining of June and I had broken the barrier. I sat down right on my bathroom carpet and cried. I looked at the toilet, even though I had written a note on my mirror that said that I would never do that. 

I didn't, though. Instead I went to the fridge and ate every single popsicle left in the box. Even orange, which I hate. 

My parents both know the signs of disorders- one is a psychiatrist and the other is a psychologist. They know what they're doing. They know what I have.

But they won't let me have any medication. Nothing at all.

And it makes me angry that they won't help, and it makes me sad that they won't help, and then I go to the fridge to comfort myself. There went the waffles.

But at leats it's not fatty food. Well, not too much anyway. 

I am so sick and twisted. I can't stand myself now. My life is planned around food. Every single aspect. I can't just go out anymore. I have to decide whether I get food on the way there, what do I get, how I hide the remains...

Lucky I part next to the trash can.

I'm even sitting here now with a half eaten bag of Baked Lays and a cup of Cherry flavored Italian ices. My mom went to the grocery store about an hour ago. I have already had three ices and almost a whole bag of chips, plus 2 pieces of gum and a big glas  of diet orange soda.

It's not what I'm eating, it's that I'm always eating. I can't stop. I sit in my room and I read and I eat. Anything. I ate four hot dogs in one sitting yesterday, but when my mom came home with milkshakes from work, I ate an entire one.

Well, off to finish those chips.